When Porn Lies: Romance & Feelings Edition

There’s been a sort of upsurge in the amount of videos that are being promoted as “romantic” and “sensual”, supposedly showing “real lovemaking” between people who are “in love” who “have feelings for each other”. I know that this bullshit was started by my own gender. Some nagging housewife was probably bitching at her husband for trying to watch some Co-Ed Confidential on Skinemax, and she was probably screeching stupid shit like “Why would you want to watch this? They don’t even love each other!” Eventually somebody decided that husbands everywhere might be able to watch a little more porn if it was made more “female-friendly”, which is where this stupid idea of romantic and sensual shit came in.

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First off, porn isn’t supposed to be really realistic, because reality is fucking depressing and for some people, porn is what keeps them hanging on. Porn allows you to fantasize about something fantastic, like a woman that will let you fuck her with the lights on. Some guys have girlfriend and wives that don’t fuck them at all. Some only get pussy on holidays, or when their significant others are a little trashed. Those aren’t fond memories you want to relive when you’re jerking off. I know people think that all pussy is good pussy, but when it’s 11pm and your kids have finally went to sleep and you’re trying to throw some dick at your wife because she screwed up and had an extra cocktail and you hope she’ll be too tired to bother fighting you off, that’s not an example of good pussy. That’s an example of you busting a nut and maybe deciding that you won’t kill yourself this week. That’s realistic, but would you want to jerk off to that shit?

Secondly, I don’t know what you guys do in your bedrooms but my real sex doesn’t look like this shit anyway. I’m not a heartless woman, I have feelings and shit, but when it’s time to bang it out I check my feelings at the door. Occasionally I may bring a little anger and resentment with me. If he’s been lazy about unloading the dishwasher, I may take it out on his dick. In some bizarre way, this works as positive reinforcement with my husband. But even though we love each other a lot, and we’re just as passionate and romantic as these fuckers claim to be, we don’t have this kind of sex. I’ve never kissed anybody this slowly in my life. I’ve never removed clothing so slowly. I’ve never “made love” in such a thoughtful way. So either I’m a sexual deviant (probably), or this is some more contrived bullshit that women have made up in their heads, sort of like the idea that first times are supposed to be special. Ugh.