Articles by: Jesus Martinez

You know how in Master and Commander the kid is about to get his arm sawed off, and the doctor puts an armful of cloth in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue off from the pain? That also happens in this video. What kind of a guy […]

I am talking about the pock-faced man, not the elvish queen lying in his bed. I would love to write some more, but I’ve gotta build a bunch of rocks now.

I am so busy now that I hardly have time to have sex, or masturbate. The only way I can have sex as a full time student is if it serves an ulterior motive, like paying for groceries. This is the only advantage I see of being sexy. You can […]

So I was perusing a porn trending site thing and they have the best headers for the shittiest of videos. It’s like those sidebar ads except people are voting on this shit and think it’s good. You might as well be selling weight loss tea because every time I click […]

My mother was in labour for three days, and the third day, upon which I was born, was Easter Sunday. I learned that today, at dinner with my parents. This explains so many miracles that have happened to people in my life: I have the power to heal with a […]

Historically significant, backed by an outdate soundtrack. Amazing. Also laughable, like a pen full of squealing piglets.

Every day you should watch at least one woman rub herself to orgasm. If possible, find a full length video because most girls take a while (like a lot of guys who masturbate). We are not all like Asa Akira, who claims to be able to just rub herself for […]

This doesn’t quite equate to a gangbang. I can’t say anything because I genuinely don’t understand what is going on here. Please help me